Legacy of Satan, 1974.

I was sold when I read tubi’s description for this film. “In this horrifying tale of sexual murder, seductive witches perform Satanic rituals to lure their innocent victims to the fires of hell.” There’s no way this can be bad. The film stars no-one other than a cameo appearance by the girl from Last House on the Left. In terms of director, this is his only “normal” film with the rest being pornographic features. I would dismiss this but he’s the man behind Deep Throat which is somehow one of the most important films ever made so let’s see what happens.

Within second 1 we have a beautifully obnoxious synth, by second 6 we have a title card with a zany ripple effect, and for the next several minutes we have weird purple lighting, a not-quite-as-cute Heather Graham look-a-like satanic priestess, more synth, some excellent make-up and hair, and speak of Saturn being in conjunction with the Sun and Mars being in the Fifth House. I was expecting this to be a steaming turd. A friend mentioned she had to go to a meeting so I said “don’t worry, you’re going to miss nothing – this will suck the big one.” In seconds I was taking that back, promising to pause the film until the meeting was over. This is so far incredible and must be watched.

Being made by the grand-daddy of skin-flicks, I only feel it appropriate to offer a breakdown on the “talent”. We have:
-Monica from friends wearing a groovy fancied-up purple version of Sherry Jackson’s jumpsuit from Star Trek
-Tony Iommi
-Red velvet dress
-Guy wearing a sweater that has my haircut minus the moustache
-Street-walker looking version of Heather Graham
-Igor from Young Frankenstein

I need to apologize as I have no clue what’s going on in this movie. I think the cult is trying to use sexual voodoo to summon Monica to their church so she can be crowned the next queen of Hell or something to that effect. I’m a bit too distracted to pay attention – not by the abundance of writhing women but rather by the entirely inappropriate soundtrack. It’s not a bad soundtrack by any means – dark, swelling synth kissed with bright chirps of tension – the issue is that it plays constantly and never suits the scene it’s in. I for one, love it. It adds a layer of chaos to the film. It being so out of place makes a rather calm and subtle soundtrack sound like Crazy Bus.

Later in the film it gets pretty bonkers with pentagram-studded boxer-briefs, a lightsabre that turns people’s faces into shitty painted warhammer models which later grows into some sort of tumour made of scrambled eggs, and a pretty brutal bathroom murder, heightened by the always jarring synth music.

Blood, Beasts (by way of people dressing up as such but they might actually be I don’t know, it’s a satanic cult it’s not too much of a stretch to believe one of them is a werewolf), and somehow no Breasts. How the fuck did the guy that made Deep Throat not put breasts in a film? How can you do this? This is outrageous, it’s unfair! TAKE A SEAT SKYWALKER. I can’t tell if this is the greatest or worst film of all time. It’s dis-jointed, lacking in Breasts, and is an assault to the eyes, and yet I can’t turn my head away – perhaps because it’s an assault on the eyes. It gets wildly psychedaelic at times with some pretty cool costuming. In many ways it’s the zed-version of 2016’s The Love Witch which I adore for it’s artistic vision. This one is out there. I don’t even know if I can give this a Thumbs Seal good or bad. There’s something exceptionally hare-brained about this one that similar films such as the Hidan of of Maukbeiangjow don’t have. I’d say watch it but you probably shouldn’t. I liked it.

What the fuck man