Conquest, 1983.

Last time I watched this film, I remember enjoying it so let’s see if it holds up. It’s by Lucio Fulci who is a huge name with a rather storied and sad career fraught with personal tragedy. This was one of his later films and it features Sabrina Siani who was in all sorts of shitty sword & sorcery films and a few Jesus Franco cannibal movies. The film is about a young hero on his coming-of-age spirit quest in which he is fated to defeat a naked witch with his laser bow and her attempts at preventing this. It’s certainly less of a meat-head barbarian flick and more of a spiritual journey through the cosmos (extreme violence included). Buckle in, this one gets strange.

Ah yes, this is why I liked this film – the opening scenes feature a bunch of evil chewbaccas led by a naked broad in a gold mask running around causing havoc to a cool synth soundtrack. This film is like taking drugs without the illegality. The violent crimes of these hairy Frazetta-esque creatures include slicing the top of a guy’s head off and pulling a woman apart which is shown in some loose detail. Fulci was known for this sort of violent footage and he absolutely does not disappoint. I mean, we’re only 4 minutes in and we already have Blood, Breasts, and Beasts. The drugged out quality that I mentioned earlier is heightened by the glowing haze that permeates the footage. Everything is covered in a washed-out fog. I don’t mind it.

The D&D content in this film is strong. The bad guy mooks make for excellent orcish caveman types, the laser bow is exactly what Hank uses in the D&D Cartoon, snake-priestess summoning a wolf spirit who turns into a golem, a setting consisting of foggy, cave-dotted hills, and a race against time to prevent poison (recently played this out in my 7VoZ game). Not only are the weird hairy guys cool but there’s also some weird swamp zombies that are cool as hell and utterly bizarre salt-monster troglodyte morlock things that let out a weird cooing fluttery grumble of a noise. I fucking love them. They’re like something out of Original Series. Kind of like if the Creature from the Black Lagoon was covered in cobwebs. They see everything in a green-tint which I can only assume is ultra-vision so these guys are perfect underdark creatures. Watch the film, steal these guys, run a good game.

This film is extremely schizophrenic in a way – at one moment I am bored out of my gourd watching people wander around through some dense fog and I find myself struggling to stay awake. The next moment I am completely engrossed at the decapitations, chunks of guts flying across the screen, and dismemberments. The whole thing reeks of a D-level budget and yet in its simplicity is an endearing quality. You feel as though you’re being taken through someone’s dream. Everything about this should be bad and yet it draws you in. Maybe it’s because it’s boring it’s good – you’re put into a sleepy state and in that liminal space between consciousness and the realm of Hypnos, the film can truly blossom.

As stated earlier, there is ample amounts of Blood, Breasts, and Beasts for a very dense perfect score. The filming is often times pretty and the music is moody in the way an old DOS adventure game’s soundtrack might feel. The music feels unsuited for the film at at times but I think that’s a strength. It plays into the bizarre nature of the movie. The film is at times dark, and I mean that literally – watch it in the evening with the lights off. If the sun is shining, the glare on your TV screen will make it impossible to see what’s going on. And that’s something you definitely don’t want because while the film is a disconnected, chaotic, plodding mess, the visuals are great. The bronze-masked bimbo is pure swords and sorcery, the different weird creatures are great fodder for your D&D games, and even the scenery looks dreamy and supernatural. Does this movie hold up to what I remember? Hell yes brother. It’s so goddamn weird and I love it. If I was the kind of hippie that smoked ganja, this’d probably be a good candidate for “enhancing the viewing experience” but I’m a good christian boy so none of that. Despite its many flaws, I struggle to give this any less than a One Thumb Way Up Seal of Approval but I can see why an uncultured philistine would rank this lower. Give this one a watch late at night and see where your mind takes you.