It is bittersweet, this moment. Our final van film (for now). It is one of the more well-known and certainly more well-received van films, so why did I wait until the very end to talk about this? Because not only is it my favourite van film, but it’s one of my favourite films period. Long ago in my teenage years, my mother found the Mill Creek 32 Drive In Cult Classics DVD box set at Zellers and figured I’d enjoy it. As I looked over the list of films contained, two stood out to me, not because I was interested in watching them (that would be Land of the Minotaur with Donald Pleasance and Peter Cushing and They Saved Hitlers Brain) but because they had stupid fucking titles. Single Room Furnished and Van Nuys Blvd. What where they thinking? Clearly these are the two worst movies of the bunch right? (that dubious prize would go to Nightclub which I think might still be the worst movie I’ve ever seen but let’s get back to vans). Of course Single Room Furnished was the final Jayne Mansfield performance and said to be her best (I wasn’t thrilled) but what of This other terribly-named film? Well, the moment I finally hit play on Van Nuys Blvd, I fell in love. Let’s discuss why.
Before we begin, I would like to briefly mention several films that I haven’t had a chance to talk about but might bring up in the future: Piratensender Power Play (a German equivalent to On Air Live with Captain Midnight with a 1980 Chevy), the Pom Pom Girls (starring Will Adler and a 1971 Econoline that is currently in storage and I can’t find a copy online), and Heavy Load (containing a 1973 Chevy but is apparently just a hardcore pornographic feature so I have no real desire to watch that). Perhaps one day in the future I shall make mention of these films but for now, pour one out for the lost brothers.
Our picture today is brought to us by Crown International Pictures, the gods of low budget trash that gave us Beast of Yucca Flats, Orgy of the Dead, Kung Fu Mama, Chain Gang Women, The Van, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold, and Cavegirl (Daniel Roebuck’s first film!). Starring in this picture is Cynthia Wood (Ms February 1973, and Playmate of the Year 1974, 34-22-34) better known for her work in Apocalypse Now, and my man-crush, Will Adler. This guy should have been the next Harrison Ford. What a handsome, debonair young fellow. Every movie he’s in he just spends the whole time cruising in vans with a shit-eating grin. He now runs a leather-goods company.
The very first thing we see in this is Bobby’s (Mr Adler) 1963 Econoline as he drives around during the credits. We get the tiniest peek at the interior of the van but it’s obscured by a groovy curtain. If I can’t see inside a van it better gosh-darned be because of a hippie looking curtain. He parks, shows up to his trailer then ignores his cute blonde ass-naked Californian girlfriend trying to make out with him because there’s a news clip about kids cruising up and down Van Nuys. This is how you establish a character’s motivations. Have a nubile blonde chomping at the bit to party with him only for him to say “I need competition to prove that my van is the coolest.” He’s like Mark Hamill in Corvette Summer but less of a mopey nerd. Hamill wanted to be with his car. Bobby wants to show his van off to girls. He knows what’s up. The van drives off into the beautiful sunset and the movie begins proper.
The titular boulevard almost serves as a character itself. We get a lot of shots of folks driving around having a good time, teenagers wearing tight blue jeans eating at burger stands and drag racing. We get some bonus vans – a 1971 Econoline named the Orient Express and a 1971 Chevy named the Wild Cherry. Ten minutes in and we have a custom rides and now a drive-in burger joint staffed by short-shorts wearing cuties. This is what life used to be about. Making out with waitresses in your van. Soon enough, Moon (Cynthia Wood) shows up in her blue-carpeted interior 1974 Dodge Tradesman and challenges Bobby to drag. How all great relationships begin. Bobby, Moon, Moon’s friend, Chooch (a moustachio’d local with a 1932 Ford Roadster hot rod), and Greg (some sort of Ron Howard-esque character) all meet in the tank and the adventuring party is formed.
What begins following their release is an hour of basically no plot. In most films this is a bad thing. In a van film, it’s the goal. Any plot just stands in the way of kids hanging out, talking about vans, and getting into trouble. And there’s a fair amount of trouble, most of which has no real consequence. The previously mentioned Pom Pom Girls has a LOT of this but this one has a fair amount. Lots of smashing people’s cars with tire irons, marijuana use, assault, theft, almost rape, forcible confinement, and assaulting a peace officer. A lot of the film is just these two van-fans falling in love and it comes off as very organic. It makes you long for those summers when you’re 17-20ish, falling in love for but a summer and never seeing the girl again. A pure and innocent joy of our youth that has been crushed by bills, taxes, and the ennui of sales meetings.
This movie features a man in a monkey suit which makes up for the ten minutes worth of disco scenes. This movie is full of great stuff. Lots of breasts, bitchin rides, roadside diners, a Turbo-Hydramatic 425 3-Speed Transmission, blue shag carpet on the walls and ceiling, wood paneling, sideburns, cut-offs, two pinball machines (Mata Hari and what might be Big Indian), and a sassy black nurse. Moon and Bobby have a drag race to establish dominance in the relationship but everyone’s emotions get the best of them and the greatest vehicular crime in cinematic history is committed when Bobby destroys his van in the name of love. You thought the Hemi’cuda in Phantasm being destroyed was bad? Think again. This is awful. It wasn’t a model either. That 1963 Econoline was wrecked. That alone should warrant this film receive one million thumbs down but I couldn’t do that to this joy of a film. It represents everything good about the seventies, about vans, about youth. It’s a reflection of our younger days. Of what we left behind. This is true, to a degree, of all van films. There is a magic that as we age we let leave our hearts. Recapture that. Seek freedom and fun. It is what is owed to you. Two Thumbs Way, Way Up Seal of Approval.
Swords & Schlock 
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