Almost Van Movies: Mother, Jugs, & Speed, 1976.

A twentieth-century-fox film, this one might actually be considered a major release. Before the credits can even start some guy with a football is screaming at his ambulance drivers and I have to ask – is it an American thing that private ambulance companies fight over turf or is this just a plot point for the film? Anyways, the cast in this is pretty massive – Harvey Keitel, Bill Cosby, and Raquel Welch, who before the credits manages to display her anatomy through a thin shirt. I guess the idea is that this private company is trying to get a contract with the city and it’s just a bunch of their hijinks which is suitable for a van film. No real plot, just people mucking around. Normally I’d include pictures of different things in the film but in this case I’m just going to put pictures of the van because I like how it looks.

The credits give us a 1975 Chevy Sportvan ambulance, funk music, and a female wrestling match. Shortly after this we get some Peter Frampton tunes which is always a good time. I got to see him live on an anniversary tour of Frampton Comes Alive and was front row. Good times. Back to the vans. Being an ambulance, we can consider this ambulance pretty tricked out with a bunch of sirens and lights and whatnot.

This paramedic team is a colossal group of fuck-ups. Mr Cosby drinks while driving and chasing down nuns. His partner smokes dope on the job. Two of the other paramedics end up sending a woman down the stairs on the gurney and she wails a parked car. Mr Keitel sells cocaine and his partner is a rapist. What the fuck am I watching? Mrs Welch is probably the only competent character that isn’t an asshole. Thankfully this all comes with some slapstick to keep us from being disgusted at everyone’s actions including a the paramedics struggling to lift up a fat person, the aforementioned dropping someone down the stairs, and the also aforementioned wrestler being tossed into a pile of chairs. This slapstick turns to murder most foul when Toni Basil shoots and kills one of the drivers. How’s that for you? The girl that brought us “Hey mickey you’re so fine you blow my mind” is now a murderous heroin junkie.

For other incidental vans that appear we have a 1962 Ford Club Wagon, two different 1971 Dodge Tradesmans, and a 1975 Ford Econoline. A few of these are stock cars that random citizens are driving but a few of them are ambulances meaning they’re custom jobs. Unfortunately, a custom ambulance doesn’t mean shag carpet and C.B. radios and mag wheels but some of them do have curtains and Mr Cosby’s van has a cooler for all his beer. He refers to the van as a “cockamamie rig” and mentions that it has a tape-player so I’m calling it good enough for our purposes. The stationwagon ambulance has some Texas longhorns mounted on it. We don’t really have any bar fights or diners but we get a drive-thru burger joint and a fight in the office so I’m going to say that this has what I need out of an automobile movie. Rides, fist-fights, and eateries. Although a somewhat schizophrenic film, I enjoyed this. There’s levity, there’s romance, there’s some pretty dark scenes. It’s complex. Characters actually develop throughout the film. I might have to disqualify this from being a van film for being too high of quality. At any rate, I’m going to give it a One Thumb Up Seal of Approval.