Almost Van Movies: Midnight, 1982.

When I was a kid, we’d go to the video store and I’d always try to rent two movies – The Exorcist and Children of the Corn. My mother would always say no and I’d end up renting Weekend at Bernie’s or an awful TMNT rip-off featuring Kangaroos called Warriors of Virtue. Once I was older, I finally watched Children of the Corn and it sucked. My mother made the right choice in telling me no. Why am I telling you this? Because in the opening seconds of this film, a gang of children head out into the wheat fields and beat a girl to death. THIS is what Children of the Corn should have been. THIS is what my mother should have been protecting me from. Written by the co-author of Night of the Living dead, this film seems to drip with Catholic angst and guilt. Effects by Tom Savini got this movie banned by the BBC along with classics such as Dawn of the Dead, Profondo Rosso, Hills Have Eyes, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Stupid England.

Behold the true Children of the Corn

Anyways, a young girl runs away from her lecherous step-father and hitchhikes into danger. Why is this important? Because she gets in a 1978 Chevy Sportvan and that’s alright with me. The van has nice baby-blue upholstery and orange & blue shag carpeting on the ceiling. Excellent. Normally in a hitchhiking movie, the hero gets picked up by maniacs. I like that in this she gets picked up by two completely reasonable fellows and all three then have to deal with maniacs. It enforces that van people are not murderers which is probably a positive.

this thing looks like it was finished with skinned muppet

It turns out that our heroes are broke and need to rob groceries but the film displays this in the worst way possible. A shopping montage with bright, up-beat pop music where the characters just grab any old item off the shelf and toss it in. At no point do they actually look at what groceries they’re buying but they just throw it in the cart. They’re crushing the bread with a six-pack of beer. Then they just grab the packed grocery bags off the counter and run. Are they fucking dumb? There’s three people, send one in a distraction, one as a spotter, and one to stick some shit in their jacket. (disclaimer to the reader, please don’t be a thief and rob grocery stores. get a job you hippy) There’s a reason these morons get the cops called on them. So they somehow outrun a cop car and that’s what takes our heroes to the backwoods where they’re likely to get horribly killed.

Now while I like the carpeting in the van, I don’t think that’ll be enough to offset the rest of this film. It’s slow. For a Savini film, the kills suck. It’s just three kids dealing with a town of racist southerners. There’s gunfire deaths. I don’t want that I want decapitation and pickaxes driven through peoples brains and stake burnings. Half of the bodies are covered in blankets. Show me their brains damnit. What a waste of Savini. Also it has the most pathetic attempt at frisbee playing I’ve ever seen. I say this as someone who’s piss-poor at frisbee. The final satanic rite also sucks butts.

The acting in this is pretty rough, especially the Baptist preacher but at least the music is good. There’s some frantic synth, the same pitch-shifted timpani that you get in Suspiria, and some funky slap bass that doesn’t at all fit a car chase during a car chase. This has a sick custom ride and an extremely racist diner so while it fills the criteria for being legally declare a competent film, the filmmakers squander it on an awfully paced film with nothing to keep you interested. I can’t support this. Not even the van can save it. One Thumb Down Seal of Disapproval. I might as well go watch that kernel-filled turd Children of the Corn.