50 Kung Fu Films at Once

Quite some time ago I purchased the Mill Creek Entertainment 50 Martial Arts Classics DVD pack. I will tell you this much, most of them aren’t classic. I have watched all of these but I am not going to type my fingers off giving you a full review of every film. Instead you will get roughly a sentence on each. Thanks to my buddy Joe for enduring some of these turds with me.

The Big Fight
Not bad. Kinda unique. It’s a WW2 kung fu flick that pits the Chinese against Japanese aggressors. More so a kung fu film than a war film though, for those that are interested. Watchable.

Black Cobra Trilogy
BC1: It’s a cop movie. Not a good one. At least it’s got Fred Williamson. Skip it.
BC2: You know you’re watching a cop movie when a guy in suspenders starts slamming a desk shouting DAMNIT MALONE. Not as good as the third but better than the first.
BC3: I like movies with commandos storming jungle complexes. Even better when it’s followed with a grocery store fight. Watch it.

Black Fist
It’s got street fighting, it’s got jive, it’s got a bad mutha named Leroy and it definitely has afros.

The Black Godfather
An uplifting tale about a man just trying to make some bread and get rid of dealers selling junk to the neighourhood kids. Almost worth watching.

The Brave Lion
What the fuck was the camera man doing? The fighting is a bit more brutal than some of the others. Next.

Breakout from Oppression
To quote James Rolfe’s review of Flight to Egypt, “It’s bad.”

Chase Step by Step
It’s got a stilt fight so ya, it’s pretty good. Don’t watch it.

City Ninja
There’s a kung fu fight during a mud wrestling match so you get double the fighting. Two for the price of one!

Day of the Panther
Uh, some bimbo fights Bebop from TMNT. Just watch a Sidaris film instead.

Deadly Duo
I was making dinner while watching this so I don’t even know who the deadly duo is supposed to be. Terrible camera work but entertaining voice overs.

Fighting Mad aka Death Force
It opens on an airforce base with an officer walking around with an ice-cream cone instead of actually working. Shots fired at the chair force. This is pretty good and has an afro samurai. Watch it.

Four Robbers
This movie explodes right into action with a bunch of kabuki-masked bank robbers hitting up a joint. Actually pretty good.

Four Shaolin Challengers
The character Xing-Xing’s name is said constantly which is annoying but it has some good fights.

The Guy From Harlem
The acting is worse than the Room. You will belly laugh watching this. Go watch this immediately.

The Guy with the Secret Kung Fu
I guess the kung fu is secret but not THAT secret. They could have called this movie literally anything else and it probably wouldn’t have felt any different. There’s a good frog fu scene.

Hands of Death
At its best, it’s competent. At its worst, it’s dull.

The Head Hunter
This should be better but there’s a weird anti-industrial subplot that just stands out as odd.

Heroes of Shaolin
While it lacks the budget of a Shaw Bros film, it’s almost just as good.

Image of Bruce Lee
Well at least it isn’t the worst brucesploitation film on this list.

The Impossible Kid
A 3′ tall interpol agent gets thrown around like a ragdoll by Mexican terrorists. I can see why it’s one of the last DVDs in the set.

Infernal Street
It’s not the weirdest anti-drug film I’ve seen, but it’s far from the most normal.

Jive Turkey
The name is better than the movie. It’s like really shitty Rudy Ray Moore.

Karate Kids USA
It’s a hillbilly movie but not a good one.

Kung Fu Arts
A princess dates a monkey. The movie description on the packaging fails to make mention of this.

Kung Fu Kids Break Away
It’s like Oliver Twist with more fight scenes. Not the worst movie I’ve ever seen but not worth watching.

The Master: Max & Out of Step
Max: This is actually a TV show episode so I can’t judge it on the same level as an actual film but it has a really young Demi Moore and a really old Lee Van Cleef.
Out of Step: Not as good as the first episode.

Ninja Champion
A woman goes out for revenge after being raped. They use the word rape like 700 times. Stick to Last House on the Left.

Ninja Death Trilogy
ND1: I don’t think this movie is capable of slowing down. Solid training montage.
ND2: The Empire Strikes back of Ninja Death. So far so good.
ND3: It’s in the same vein as the first two. I was so engrossed with just how non-stop crazy this film is that I forgot to write down my thoughts until 3 days later.
Drink a redbull then give these ones a watch.

Ninja Empire
CIA ninjas fight other ninjas in the Middle East for control of international arms shipments. It sucks.

Ninja Heat
I was expecting more ninjas.

Ninja: The Protector
I like the ninjas. It’s better than I give it credit for. There’s a ninja motorcycle jousting scene. Decent.

The Real Bruce Lee
I’ll give you three guesses as to who isn’t in this film, real or not.

Return of the Kung Fu Demon
This is a better Dungeons and Dragons movie than any of the Dungeons and Dragons movies.

Return of the Street Fighter
There’s a montage scene except instead of training it’s more of a product demo for different martial arts weapons.

Shadow Ninja
There’s a cricket fight between two crickets named King Bully and Superman and no “no animals were harmed during the making of this film” message. I fear for the crickets. The pacing makes the film drag on. Skip it.

Shaolin Deadly Kicks
Clichéd but surprisingly decent. Has a guy named Chon Wang like in Shanghai Noon and a pretty good shovel vs hoe fight.

Shaolin Temple
Stick to 36 Chambers of Shaolin.

Snake Fist Dynamo
This movie feels like it should have been longer but I wish it was shorter.

The Snake, The Tiger, The Crane
There’s some bandits who sing their lines. I like them. The awful voice acting alone makes this worth it.

Spirits of Bruce Lee
It wouldn’t even be good if you didn’t count the fact that Bruce Lee isn’t in it.

The Street Fighter
Sonny Chiba, soundtrack with lots of wah and fuzz, and people shit-talking each other’s karate skills. THIS is what we’re looking for.

Tiger Love
Well we got someone urinating on a tiger in the first 5 minutes. Other than that, it’s a kung fu Romeo and Juliet smashed together with Njalsaga. What the fuck.

TNT Jackson
This was written by Dick Miller and stars Playboy’s second-ever African American Paymate of the Month. Fun use of slowing and speeding up time, tasteful use of gore, and writing that stands the test of time. Thanks Mr Miller.

Weapons of Death
A white guy and a black guy team up to fight some Asian guys and other white guys. Not good enough to be good, not bad enough to be good.

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